Keeping Promises

I am pretty bad at it. That's all I have to say about it. Well mostly. But there is a post to be written. So I shall expound on it a bit. Expound sounds terribly arrogant, doesn't it though? Well, I will try to explain and hope that I don't try to defend myself because that isn't supposed to the point at all.

Promises I have made to others and promises I have made to myself. Some I have kept, most I haven't. The ones I have managed to keep have been the unimportant ones I think. I have already broken one promise, to my yet unknowing reader and my own self about being regular about posts.

Why am I this way? I doubt myself all the time and I over-think and I over-analyze and I am lazy to boot. Not a great personality then. But the question is not really about personality is it, it is more to do about character, of what makes me, me - someone who'd likely not deliver on his promises. This is not something new for me. I have been breaking promises ever since I can remember. Promises about doing my best for myself, for my family, promises to myself about quitting those bad habits and for developing those good ones. The promise to get off my ass and do something that makes it an existence of purpose, of cause and of sense. Those are the promises I should be keeping, right?

Do I promise too easily and not say no enough? That seems like a plausible explanation right? If I promise too much, then it does stand to reason that I won't be keeping quite a few of them. I read something somewhere about keeping to a plan - every morning make a list of the things you have to do, of the promises you have to keep. We are talking about the promises that can be kept during a day here, but that's just being specific, every promise is made of bits of promissettes (an invention, yay!) that I should stick to during the day as part of keeping the promise. And once you have that list, everything you do should be measured against that list that you have made and kept. No matter how you yearn for the last smoke of the day (not saying that would violate a promise I have made, by the way) but if that goes against the list, then the stick shall remain unlit. And let nothing (well almost nothing) sway you from the list - if its made the list - it stays on the list. And don't make too many promises - I think that's a sensible way of doing things - the list should be short.

So here's to keeping promises then. To myself.

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Again, a rejoinder here - I am not happy with the frequency of my posts (I can say posts now). Let me figure how to keep a more regular schedule. I have realized it takes forty minutes to an hour for me to knock off one post - I really should be able to manage that in a day.

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Today was Gandhi Jayanti.

Starting and ending

This is the first post.

The plan is to keep it to myself at first - I really don't quite know where this will lead to. And if nothing else, I think the name of the blog should tell that I dither and flounder and don't really want to give up on anything that makes me, me. So, the idea is to let it develop, somewhere in the ether, in the space between Google's servers and my head, just between the two of us and then see where it goes.

As I write this, late on a Sunday night and it could be any Sunday night for the monotony of the day that has passed, I am thinking about this blog and what makes me write it. There are the metallic cymbals outside, that couple with bugles and thudding drums, building to a rhythm that was good some four hours ago and now are just a painful headache what needs to be drowned by something lo-fi and ambient. The city doesn't disappear even in the confines of the walls making up my bedroom.

Anyway, there are some broad contours that I think I want to shape this blog by - guidelines if I will - that I think will help me complete posts, be regular at them. I don't think I'll ever learn to give up this need I have of being alone and at the same time I just feel that I need to let someone know, somebody that will understand and if not understand then at least know of the songs I listened to, the pictures I drew and the books I read. I want to write. I am not a man with a plan, indeed I am hopeless at drawing them up and then sticking to them. I want to be honest with myself here and try to explain what makes me laugh and who I am thinking of and I want to remember them for the times they were with me and the times I have made them cry and sometimes I just want to write about things that inspire me and things that make me forget. The idea is to explore, from within my mind, the things that I find wonderful and beautiful and meaningful and inexplicable. There are many such things. When I am not there, I want some people to read about them and maybe find a bit of the beauty, the meaning that I saw and I found, maybe see the explanation that I sought. So that's it really. I want to write each day - what I have realized is that a little bit everyday adds up to rather a lot. It's a way of keeping a record of myself, for myself for when I want to make sense of things.

A selfish endeavor then, I find out now. I am not surprised too much - people I have loved, in my selfish way, have told me that. I want to be honest though, let me see if I can manage that.

Today was Visarjan day.

2012-09-23